Time

So, I recently purchased a PS3.

This was something that I had thought about doing for years, but just never got around to doing.

I don't seem to play a lot of video games anymore. Turns out that there's a lot of things I don't really do anymore. At least, Stacey pointed it out to me recently. I guess I've been so busy with things, I hadn't noticed.

And that right there is the problem: I just haven't felt like I have time.

It doesn't make sense, when I think about it, though. I used to do a ton more things in a day, and still manage to get it all done, hang out, play games, and generally relax. What could have changed things so radically?

Oh, right. Parenthood.

The thing is, it's not parenthood that's the issue. Not directly, at least. It's the schedule change. See, I used to be much more of a night owl than I am currently. I would do most of my art and comic work (which turned out to be my most creative time) well into the night, crawl into bed around four in the morning, sleep until 10 am, take care of house stuff and other projects, hang out with Stacey when she got home until she went to sleep, and then get to drawing. I'd even manage to sneak in a quick game on my PS2 here and there. It was a pretty functional schedule.

That changed pretty abruptly once Brady came around.

Now, I couldn't work as late as I used to, mostly because sleep had become a precious commodity. The late night routine got thrown out the window, replaced by working when feasible, and sleeping when possible.

Yeah, that really threw me for a loop. And what's funny is that it has continued to throw me for a loop, even as Brady as grown older. That's because I reached such a level of acceptance of the chaos, that I never actually tried to remedy it. So, the chaos festered, and it grew. My schedule just became more haphazard. Whatever semblance of discipline I had faded. Time became shorter. I would try to crunch as much work as I could into the small amount of time I had. A lot of time, it meant that my work time would bleed over into Family Time; I'd pass Brady off to Stacey, and hole up someplace with my computer, and squeeze a few more minutes or hours to just try and catch up. And when I did spend time with the girls, I was so stressed about lack of time, that it almost became another chore. Anything I used to do to give myself some semblance of sanity or balance was thrown out the window. I just didn't have time.

It wasn't fun. It was making me stressed and miserable. And I haven't adapted since then to make things any better.

I think a big part of my problem is all these years, I've been trying to convince myself that this is the proper way to do things. That this is how parenthood is supposed to be. In other words, because this is how other stay-at-home parents do their thing, then I should be doing that as well. I'm not sure why, because doing it their way wasn't making me any happier or more relaxed. I was trying to force myself into a mold that didn't fit my line of work, or how I generally do things.

I think along the way, I forgot that I can do things my way. It's not impossible to mold things so that they are conducive to both work, family, and "me" time. If my best artwork is produced at night, work at night. If I work late at night and still need to get up early to get Brady to school, it can be done. It is possible to get my responsibilities taken care of, without sacrificing time away from family.

So, I'm trying to fix that problem I put myself into. It's not easy, mostly because I've mentally conditioned myself to handle work and things a certain way. But, work is getting done (slowly, but surely), and I'm spending quality time with the girls. And that no longer feels like another item to check off my list (something both Stacey and I appreciate).

And I'm making sure I find time to relax once in a while. In a way that makes me feel normal.

So, I recently purchased a PS3.