by Carlos
I find myself drifting off from reality often. I think about movies, my past, or the way that I think other people should act; ALL the wrong things when I should be present with my children. But every once in a while, my children do something so noticeable that I can't help but snap back to reality.
When my first born, Damai, was just learning to walk, she kind of fell on me during one of her attempts. Her arm fell around my neck and there was this jolt through my body. I thought she hugged me for the first time. I know that she hadn't meant to, but the mere fact that she had her arm around me made me feel so loved.
During this summer, the girls absolutely love it when I tell them a story at breakfast. I usually finish my meal first and then begin. When my youngest daughter, Anna, finishes her breakfast, she climbs into my lap. Sometimes she sits and looks up at me and sometimes she lays in my arms. She pays SO much attention when I tell stories. And the moment is gorgeous! I think I tell stories at breakfast just for that moment with Anna.
The other day, Lani, asked me for some paper so she could draw on it. So I reached out for her hand and she held mine. I decided to hold her little hand firmly just to make the point that I loved her. We walked to the other room and when I went to get the paper she held my hand tightly so that I couldn't use it to grab the paper. I needed my hand but she wouldn't let it go. That was quite a moment that I hope never to forget. It was wonderful.
I don't know if they'll ever remember moments like that. I wonder if touch means as much to them as it does to me. But it really helps me to see that they love me and to bring me into my present moment, instead of daydreaming off like I do. I hope when they get to that "my dad is so UNcool" stage of their growth that they'll still take the time to give me a hug every now and again. Their hugs are precious.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Sharing the bed with the kids
Came up on a good article the other day about a new study concerning the family bed, or co-sleeping or sleep sharing or whatever you’d like to call it. Here’s the link if you want to check it out:
http://yourlife.usatoday.com/parenting-family/story/2011/07/Study-Sharing-bed-with-toddler-wont-harm-development/49511408/1
I remember this being one of those issues like religion or politics. You just don’t talk about it because someone might get offended. People on either side are pretty strong in what they believe. And if you tell them you disagree and why, it’s likely to be received about as well as a kick in the nuts. Even those without nuts will understand this I’m sure.
On the one side of the issue are the parents that believe in letting a child cry it out (CIO) when you put them down to sleep. It’s called Ferberizing. It’s meant to teach the child to self sooth, learn to get to sleep on their own. Its an actual technique that involves a parent leaving the child in the room alone and coming in to comfort them in lengthening intervals, briefly, but essentially letting the child cry until they fall asleep or just stop crying. Most parents that I’ve seen though, ten to skip the intervals and just let them cry themselves to sleep. Ferber-lite.
On the other side are the parents that let the children sleep with them. There’s no technique to this one. It’s just, go to sleep and don’t accidentally smother the child.
The shared bed, while still vastly in the minority, has been growing in practice over the last decade or so. Some think that it’s because families (mostly moms but dads too) are so much busier these days, sleeping side by side with their children fills that need to bond or connect after being apart all day.
More traditional thinkers, Ferberizers, and my mom, think that sleeping in the same bed with your child is harmful to their development. They’ll become too dependent, never be able to do anything on their own, they’ll always be afraid to be alone, maybe they’ll give in to the powers of the dark side.
I love science, I love studies, and the article above refers to the results of the latest study that supports neither side. It doesn’t say one is better than the other. In fact it shows no harm either way.
Studies like this have been done before and even this Ferber guy revised one of his books in 2006 to make it clear that sharing a bed with their parents doesn’t make a child insecure, has no harmful effects on learning development, or individuality or learning to separate from their parents.
So no one wins. Whatever works works.
http://yourlife.usatoday.com/parenting-family/story/2011/07/Study-Sharing-bed-with-toddler-wont-harm-development/49511408/1
I remember this being one of those issues like religion or politics. You just don’t talk about it because someone might get offended. People on either side are pretty strong in what they believe. And if you tell them you disagree and why, it’s likely to be received about as well as a kick in the nuts. Even those without nuts will understand this I’m sure.
On the one side of the issue are the parents that believe in letting a child cry it out (CIO) when you put them down to sleep. It’s called Ferberizing. It’s meant to teach the child to self sooth, learn to get to sleep on their own. Its an actual technique that involves a parent leaving the child in the room alone and coming in to comfort them in lengthening intervals, briefly, but essentially letting the child cry until they fall asleep or just stop crying. Most parents that I’ve seen though, ten to skip the intervals and just let them cry themselves to sleep. Ferber-lite.
On the other side are the parents that let the children sleep with them. There’s no technique to this one. It’s just, go to sleep and don’t accidentally smother the child.
The shared bed, while still vastly in the minority, has been growing in practice over the last decade or so. Some think that it’s because families (mostly moms but dads too) are so much busier these days, sleeping side by side with their children fills that need to bond or connect after being apart all day.
More traditional thinkers, Ferberizers, and my mom, think that sleeping in the same bed with your child is harmful to their development. They’ll become too dependent, never be able to do anything on their own, they’ll always be afraid to be alone, maybe they’ll give in to the powers of the dark side.
I love science, I love studies, and the article above refers to the results of the latest study that supports neither side. It doesn’t say one is better than the other. In fact it shows no harm either way.
Studies like this have been done before and even this Ferber guy revised one of his books in 2006 to make it clear that sharing a bed with their parents doesn’t make a child insecure, has no harmful effects on learning development, or individuality or learning to separate from their parents.
So no one wins. Whatever works works.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Alcohol; my seldom visited friend
by Carlos
God bless my grandfather; he never fails to offer me a drink, even if the alcohol isn't his. He's visiting from the mainland and I remember that when we lived closer to him, that I had become a little bitter at how insistent he was that I take a drink with him. But lately, I'm beginning to see that it wasn't his insistence at all that bothered me. It's that I could not indulge more.
We all went to the beach this past week and had a blast. We stayed for two nights which was just perfect. Both nights we BBQed and had more than enough food, and drink. Oh, how I wanted to drink!
I felt free enough to drink. There was certainly good booze. I didn't have to drive home. My wife was encouraging me to drink freely. And I did have a little bit of some really good wine. But all the while I felt this little trigger; a switch that hadn't been turned.
I've come to realize that the switch is the presence of my kids. If they are there, I cannot drink much. If they aren't, I freely drink. It's as if their presence means that I am still 'On Duty;' like the beach life guard signs.
I'm not so sure it's my instincts always prowling for danger. I'm not so good a parent to say that. I'm sure that I'm not afraid to drink in front of them, I haven't done anything too embarrassing under the influence in a long time. I think drinking with my kids around feels a little like I'm mixing work with pleasure. I think that I'll get a little upset if I'm relaxing and feeling good after a few great beers and then I have to put on the parent face and discipline my children if they do something inappropriate. I guess I'm afraid of having a buzz kill.
I don't think it's bad thing. Sure, I want to drink more often and I want to drink more when I get the chance, but absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? I mean, I REALLY appreciate drinking now, when it's more than just a glass of wine because the kids aren't around. I love tequila. I love jagermeister. I love good beer (am I sounding a little crazed?). And now that I can't have them so readily, I honestly can say that I appreciate them more.
A couple of weeks ago, I blogged about a pool party. I'm still so happy about that night I got to drink SO much. And honestly, I didn't drink a whole lot, it's just I didn't have to be a parent and so I was able to drink freely.
Maybe, I'll be able to drink more when the kids are older. And maybe at that time I will be able to be stoked on just a few drinks versus the way I drank as a college student. No matter what, I look forward to the next time!
God bless my grandfather; he never fails to offer me a drink, even if the alcohol isn't his. He's visiting from the mainland and I remember that when we lived closer to him, that I had become a little bitter at how insistent he was that I take a drink with him. But lately, I'm beginning to see that it wasn't his insistence at all that bothered me. It's that I could not indulge more.
We all went to the beach this past week and had a blast. We stayed for two nights which was just perfect. Both nights we BBQed and had more than enough food, and drink. Oh, how I wanted to drink!
I felt free enough to drink. There was certainly good booze. I didn't have to drive home. My wife was encouraging me to drink freely. And I did have a little bit of some really good wine. But all the while I felt this little trigger; a switch that hadn't been turned.
I've come to realize that the switch is the presence of my kids. If they are there, I cannot drink much. If they aren't, I freely drink. It's as if their presence means that I am still 'On Duty;' like the beach life guard signs.
I'm not so sure it's my instincts always prowling for danger. I'm not so good a parent to say that. I'm sure that I'm not afraid to drink in front of them, I haven't done anything too embarrassing under the influence in a long time. I think drinking with my kids around feels a little like I'm mixing work with pleasure. I think that I'll get a little upset if I'm relaxing and feeling good after a few great beers and then I have to put on the parent face and discipline my children if they do something inappropriate. I guess I'm afraid of having a buzz kill.
I don't think it's bad thing. Sure, I want to drink more often and I want to drink more when I get the chance, but absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? I mean, I REALLY appreciate drinking now, when it's more than just a glass of wine because the kids aren't around. I love tequila. I love jagermeister. I love good beer (am I sounding a little crazed?). And now that I can't have them so readily, I honestly can say that I appreciate them more.
A couple of weeks ago, I blogged about a pool party. I'm still so happy about that night I got to drink SO much. And honestly, I didn't drink a whole lot, it's just I didn't have to be a parent and so I was able to drink freely.
Maybe, I'll be able to drink more when the kids are older. And maybe at that time I will be able to be stoked on just a few drinks versus the way I drank as a college student. No matter what, I look forward to the next time!
Monday, July 11, 2011
What I Learned From My Summer Vacation
One of the truly crappy things about coming back from vacation (aside from the fact that I had to come back from vacation) is that period where I need to get back up to speed with work and other commitments. Such as it is that the post I intended to work on and finish up last week is instead getting posted today. Whoops.
So anyway, vacation is done. It was a good time, all told. We had a good time with both of our respective familes, Brady got to hang out with her various cousins, and (most importantly) we had a chance to relax and reset.
Actually, that's not quite true. I think the most important thing to come out of the trip was an increased sense of perspective on how we're doing as parents. See, when you're 2,500 miles away from family, you’re essentially raising a child in a vacuum. Sure, there are neighbors and other parents in town that you could always use for comparison, but it's not quite the same. This is especially true when you think that your child is insane compared to all of the other kids in town.
I use the term lovingly, because I love the type of manic energy that Brady posesses (90% of the time, at least). But compared to other kids that we interact with in town, she always seemed really out there. We would wonder if we were doing something wrong in how we were raising her. I mean, other children seemed to be well behaved. What were we doing wrong?
Turns out we were doing nothing wrong. She's just a Hills. Or, despite being born and raised in Utah, she's really a New Yorker at heart.
Back on the East Coast, Brady seemed to fit right in. She was no more or less crazy than any other kid we ran into on the trip. More telling was seeing some of my other nieces and nephews, and noticing that they are just as extroverted as she is. Sometimes even more so.
Have we been overreacting or over-worrying about how Brady is, and how we raise her? Well, yes and no. I guess what I learned was seeing how Brady is in proper context. Here in Utah, there does seem to be this feeling that everything has to be “perfect,” whatever that is. Families around here seem to have no problems with their kids. Or at least they don't let others see it if there are problems. So, when we se Brady act like, well, Brady, it seems to stick out pretty far in comparison to our surroundings. But when in New York, she seemed no different than other kids her age.
So, should we be concerned? I don't believe so. In the grand scheme of things (as was reinforced by both sets of grandparents), Brady is behaving like a seven year old. She's says please and thank you. She's excitable, but not destructive. She wants to do everything and anything, which is no different than what Stacey and I were like when we we her age.
In other words, she's fine.
And really, would we want to suppress that in her, so that she’ll conform to how people are around here? Do we as parents want to conform?
Not really, no.
We want our daughter to have this active imagination (of which she has in abundance). We want her to be excited about things. Hell, deep down we want her to get in trouble from time to time. We don’t want her to feel that she has to be this perfect child.
Because in the proper context, she already is.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Outed
So, I’ve been outed. I don’t like puppies. Accordingly… I have no soul. I’m actually fine with having no soul. I’ll admit, it’d be better if that were still a secret. My family might have their suspicions, but no one would ever really know. Now we got this damn puppy, and I can hide it no longer. My family all fell in love with the little white and brown headache when they laid their eyes on it. I didn’t. That’s when they knew.
All I see is work, stains, smells, chewed up shoes and remote controls and rugs and furniture. We’ve had it for a month now and their love for it oozes all over the house, all over the rugs. I can barely tolerate the damn thing.
I’ve never been a pet person. It isn’t because of any particular deal with the devil. I just haven’t ever been a pet person. But it isn’t like I’ve tried to push that on my family (all of them… pet people). Before this little hair ball came along I, mostly quietly, tolerated 2 dogs, 3 cats, about 10 hamsters, all sorts of lizards, 3 birds and thousands of fish. My daughter even keeps some pet crickets on occasion. As these pets come along, others go away. They make their way into my garage freezer (the morgue) and then when we have enough for a mass funeral, the front yard (cemetery). Do you know how many places I can't plant bushes or bulbs now? There are corpses everywhere.
Now my son is ten and I finally agree that he’s old enough for his own puppy. He's doing a great job raising and training and mostly cleaning up after it. But because I see through its cute, excited, playful act, I’m the bad guy.
My wife says its because I’m a robot. I have gears and wires where other people have hearts. My kids just think that I’m mean and hate every that is good in the world. “Please don’t kill the intruder in the big red suit at Christmas daddy, he a friend.” I won’t kill him, but I will eat his cookies.
All I see is work, stains, smells, chewed up shoes and remote controls and rugs and furniture. We’ve had it for a month now and their love for it oozes all over the house, all over the rugs. I can barely tolerate the damn thing.
I’ve never been a pet person. It isn’t because of any particular deal with the devil. I just haven’t ever been a pet person. But it isn’t like I’ve tried to push that on my family (all of them… pet people). Before this little hair ball came along I, mostly quietly, tolerated 2 dogs, 3 cats, about 10 hamsters, all sorts of lizards, 3 birds and thousands of fish. My daughter even keeps some pet crickets on occasion. As these pets come along, others go away. They make their way into my garage freezer (the morgue) and then when we have enough for a mass funeral, the front yard (cemetery). Do you know how many places I can't plant bushes or bulbs now? There are corpses everywhere.
Now my son is ten and I finally agree that he’s old enough for his own puppy. He's doing a great job raising and training and mostly cleaning up after it. But because I see through its cute, excited, playful act, I’m the bad guy.
My wife says its because I’m a robot. I have gears and wires where other people have hearts. My kids just think that I’m mean and hate every that is good in the world. “Please don’t kill the intruder in the big red suit at Christmas daddy, he a friend.” I won’t kill him, but I will eat his cookies.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Horrible thing to say Reply
by Carlos
My goodness! Steve touched the very heart and soul of a Stay at home dad. At least in my opinion. This has been a struggle for me for years and only now am I able to articulate what the struggle is.
Now, this is my opinion based on my experiences and some things that I've come across. I don't want to start a battle of the sexes, but "what is a man's role?" has been on my mind for a long time and it always includes the question "what is a woman's role?"
Ultimately, I believe I'm doing the right thing by staying at home with my daughters. My wife has had some pretty big dreams as a child and she is chasing them right now. I have had no such ambitions and so I am doing what my wife, and ultimately what the family, needs me to do. I am giving her the opportunity to chase down those dreams. And she has been successful, so I must be giving her what she needs.
However, that doesn't fulfill me. It's not satisfying. And now I see it; I have no goal. There is no end to this, no game winning shot, no end result. And I believe that men really aren't meant to raise children. There, I said it. BUT that is a VERY general statement. It is not a RULE. I simply don't believe that men are satisfied with nurturing children. AND, yes, I do believe that women ARE satisfied by it. Again, that is not a rule.
I cannot say that I've come to the conclusion that ALL women must stay at home and ALL men must be career men. It's simply not my experience. But my experience does tell me that children should be reared by the parents. Hence, I am a stay at home dad. My experience tells me that THIS situation that I am in IS the best that it can be. However, for my own sanity, it cannot stay this way. And I do believe that my sanity is, at least in part, important for the family as well.
I've been praying like crazy for a while now about having a goal. And I see now that the Lord gives to me what I've been running from ever sense I stopped working; mine is to be a teacher. I'm trained in it. I've done it. I don't believe for a second that I'm very good at it. But, as scary as it seems to me that being a teacher is where I am headed, I'm very excited to have a goal. I believe that a goal is fulfilling to me, and I believe for all men. Even if we don't reach our goal, having one gives us a sense of direction and purpose. I know that can be said of every person who has a goal regardless of gender, but I do believe it's especially important for men.
I have no idea how long it'll be until I return to the classroom full time. But I'm satisfied that I can gain more skills and knowledge about teaching while I wait to get there. I hope my girls, if they are to get married, will have the luxury and the love to stay home if they have kids. I'm still sending them to college because I want them to fully choose to stay at home. I don't want them to feel that they have no choice. My mother stayed at home with me for 10 years and she is now extremely successful in her career. And so the same could be for my daughters, or even for me.
Once again, this is just my opinion based upon my experience and what I've come across.
My goodness! Steve touched the very heart and soul of a Stay at home dad. At least in my opinion. This has been a struggle for me for years and only now am I able to articulate what the struggle is.
Now, this is my opinion based on my experiences and some things that I've come across. I don't want to start a battle of the sexes, but "what is a man's role?" has been on my mind for a long time and it always includes the question "what is a woman's role?"
Ultimately, I believe I'm doing the right thing by staying at home with my daughters. My wife has had some pretty big dreams as a child and she is chasing them right now. I have had no such ambitions and so I am doing what my wife, and ultimately what the family, needs me to do. I am giving her the opportunity to chase down those dreams. And she has been successful, so I must be giving her what she needs.
However, that doesn't fulfill me. It's not satisfying. And now I see it; I have no goal. There is no end to this, no game winning shot, no end result. And I believe that men really aren't meant to raise children. There, I said it. BUT that is a VERY general statement. It is not a RULE. I simply don't believe that men are satisfied with nurturing children. AND, yes, I do believe that women ARE satisfied by it. Again, that is not a rule.
I cannot say that I've come to the conclusion that ALL women must stay at home and ALL men must be career men. It's simply not my experience. But my experience does tell me that children should be reared by the parents. Hence, I am a stay at home dad. My experience tells me that THIS situation that I am in IS the best that it can be. However, for my own sanity, it cannot stay this way. And I do believe that my sanity is, at least in part, important for the family as well.
I've been praying like crazy for a while now about having a goal. And I see now that the Lord gives to me what I've been running from ever sense I stopped working; mine is to be a teacher. I'm trained in it. I've done it. I don't believe for a second that I'm very good at it. But, as scary as it seems to me that being a teacher is where I am headed, I'm very excited to have a goal. I believe that a goal is fulfilling to me, and I believe for all men. Even if we don't reach our goal, having one gives us a sense of direction and purpose. I know that can be said of every person who has a goal regardless of gender, but I do believe it's especially important for men.
I have no idea how long it'll be until I return to the classroom full time. But I'm satisfied that I can gain more skills and knowledge about teaching while I wait to get there. I hope my girls, if they are to get married, will have the luxury and the love to stay home if they have kids. I'm still sending them to college because I want them to fully choose to stay at home. I don't want them to feel that they have no choice. My mother stayed at home with me for 10 years and she is now extremely successful in her career. And so the same could be for my daughters, or even for me.
Once again, this is just my opinion based upon my experience and what I've come across.
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