What do I really think of being a stay at home dad? I thought I knew, but questions have come up. Things have changed a bit.
My wife was lying on the bed with my daughter. She says, “Tell Daddy what you said you want to be when you grow up.” The girl says, “I want to be a stay at home mom… so that I can sleep in all the time.” Wife starts laughing.
The focus of that statement for them was the part about sleeping in all the time. I don’t, but they always say that I do. To my wife, sleeping past 6:30 is sleeping in.
Now, if I really felt how I thought I did about staying home with the kids, I would have approved, encouraged, told her what a great stay at home mom she would be. And you know what, maybe I should have done all that anyway. But I didn’t, I said,
“Great, that’ll save us a bundle in college tuition!”
I know… it’s a terrible thing to say. I essentially told my 8 year old girl that her goal (of doing what her daddy does) is not one that I’m willing to encourage. What did I mean by that? Why did I say it? Was it Freudian? Maybe. It really got me thinking.
To state the obvious, I really didn’t like it when she said that she wanted to stay at home with the kids. It made me feel like I haven’t done enough to foster a sense of ambition, of finding her place in the world and becoming a part of things.
So great, now, not only have I given up my career building years for something that will come to an end in the next few years, but, apparently on some subconscious level, I gave them up for something that I wouldn’t even want my kids to do. Or at least that I don’t think is worth the sacrifice. Now I know how my dad felt when I told him I was going to be a stay at home dad.
Deep thought. Time passes.
Maybe that’s not it. I mean… that’s not it. If I didn’t stay home with the kids, our family would be different than it is right now. I don’t want it to be different than it is right now. That’s enough rationalizing for me. I really have no questions about what I’m doing.
So why didn’t I like my daughter’s goal of doing what her daddy does? There it is. It’s the word goal. I don’t think that staying at home with the kids is a good GOAL.
You know what? That feels right.
Of course staying home with the kids is a respectable thing to do, nothing wrong with it at all. But it isn’t a goal. It’s a sacrifice that you make, or an opportunity that you take to do what you need to do for your family. But it isn’t a goal. A goal is a purpose, an aspiration. Her goals are about her own personal satisfaction with her life. In my experience, being a stay at home parent doesn’t really fill that. Not enough anyway.
If along her path, she decides to stay at home with the kids, then that’s great. As long as staying home doesn’t become her path.
There, my head is back on straight. I’ve got to find my daughter. I got some explaining to do.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Happy Birthday Blues
by Carlos
I think I see a trend, and I don't like it.
My eldest daughter Damai, has these delusions of grandeur. I can hear her tell her sisters in her best royal queen voice, "Follow me sisters! I will lead you! I was the first in mamma's tummy!" I'm to blame. I told them stories about their births; all the nice stuff, but Damai blows it out of proportion.
Anyway, I think it got worse as her birthday was nearing. I thought it would be really fun to build the suspense of her birthday by telling her way in advance that it was coming. In fact, the girls are learning time and months according to everyone's birthday. But as her birthday was nearing, I saw that Damai was acting up more. She started testing her boundaries a lot even though the boundaries were set! It's like she wanted to break through the rules with sheer force and repetitive infractures. That month, her and the corner got to really know each other. I remember telling her that I would not hesitate to punish her on her birthday. It's like she thought '5 years old' was some graduation from rules. Five!? Can you believe it? At what age did we learn that the older we get, the more rules we get placed on us?
Anyway, it happened with Lani last month, too. And to some extent, she's still acting up. My sweet little three year old has been poking and annoying the heck out of her sisters ever since she turned four. She doesn't like that her time out time has gone from 3 minutes to 4 minutes.
But now that Anna's birthday is coming up, I finally see the pattern. In a way, it's good. I'm having to learn to stand my ground, and she's learning exactly the way I want her to complete her time outs. Within the next 2 - 3 weeks, I expect that she'll be an expert at time outs!
It's a good thing that all their birthdays are so close to each other. By the time school starts again hopefully, they'll be nice and humbled again. So, grab your birthday hats and pinata sticks; it's time for the warden to lay down the law this summer.
I think I see a trend, and I don't like it.
My eldest daughter Damai, has these delusions of grandeur. I can hear her tell her sisters in her best royal queen voice, "Follow me sisters! I will lead you! I was the first in mamma's tummy!" I'm to blame. I told them stories about their births; all the nice stuff, but Damai blows it out of proportion.
Anyway, I think it got worse as her birthday was nearing. I thought it would be really fun to build the suspense of her birthday by telling her way in advance that it was coming. In fact, the girls are learning time and months according to everyone's birthday. But as her birthday was nearing, I saw that Damai was acting up more. She started testing her boundaries a lot even though the boundaries were set! It's like she wanted to break through the rules with sheer force and repetitive infractures. That month, her and the corner got to really know each other. I remember telling her that I would not hesitate to punish her on her birthday. It's like she thought '5 years old' was some graduation from rules. Five!? Can you believe it? At what age did we learn that the older we get, the more rules we get placed on us?
Anyway, it happened with Lani last month, too. And to some extent, she's still acting up. My sweet little three year old has been poking and annoying the heck out of her sisters ever since she turned four. She doesn't like that her time out time has gone from 3 minutes to 4 minutes.
But now that Anna's birthday is coming up, I finally see the pattern. In a way, it's good. I'm having to learn to stand my ground, and she's learning exactly the way I want her to complete her time outs. Within the next 2 - 3 weeks, I expect that she'll be an expert at time outs!
It's a good thing that all their birthdays are so close to each other. By the time school starts again hopefully, they'll be nice and humbled again. So, grab your birthday hats and pinata sticks; it's time for the warden to lay down the law this summer.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Father's Day
by Phil
My first father's day was fantastic. It was quiet. We didn't do anything large or showy. We just had a quiet day that involved family and (of course) food.
My mother-in-law happened to be in town helping us out because we're moving across the country this upcoming week. She was distracting our son so we could be productive and actually get something done.
I love my son but he's almost one. He's mobile, intensely curious and thinks discipline is really funny. It's a combination that isn't conducive to packing. My mother-in-law perfectly filled the role of playmate and it was a huge help.
Lately, my wife has been working some pretty insane hours. She's a research scientist, a biologist, and since it's a non-traditional job, that often means non-traditional hours. I sometimes joke about being a "science widow" or declare that "Science is a demanding mistress!" Often, that involves fist shaking.
Because she's been working a lot, I've been under more pressure than usual taking care of our son on my own. Add the stress of the upcoming cross-country move and I'm just about ready to crumble.
My mother-in-law being here came at just the right time.
But knowing all of this, my wife suggested that, if I wanted, I could take a chunk of the day on father's day and go do something on my own, to relax and have some downtime. I'm a giant movie buff and, as all parents know, time to go to the movies gets pretty scarce once the kid enters the picture. Movies were suggested.
It was a really sweet thought and I thanked her but I couldn't possibly take her up on that offer. What kind of father would I be if I ran out on my family on father's day for alone time? Nothing says "I love my kids" more than fleeing from them. Maybe in 5 or 10 years when we're all really tired of each other... but on my first ever father's day? I'm not a monster (although it would be pretty sweet to be C'thulu or even one of the Great Old Ones. People going insane just by looking at me? Yes, please!)
So instead the four of us (me, my wife, our son and my mother-in-law) just hung out. We went to an upscale burger joint here in Tucson called Zinburger. If you ever end up in Tucson, you should try it.
I can hear 5 of our 8 readers out there wondering, "Aren't you a vegetarian, Phil?" Yes. I am because I am a stereotype. I am an illustrator/painter/whatever that uses a mac and drives a Prius. (I hope I didn't just drive our other 3 readers away...) Of course I'm a vegetarian. But they have a awesome veggie burger and their fries are amazing. No, they didn't pay for that advertisement. I just like them.
And while we didn't do anything that would make the masses gasp in wonder, we had a good time together. We just enjoyed each other's company. I had fun with my son. Father's Day was pretty cool and I'm glad I didn't spend it by myself in a dark theater, even if the suggestion was made with the best of intentions.
My first father's day was fantastic. It was quiet. We didn't do anything large or showy. We just had a quiet day that involved family and (of course) food.
My mother-in-law happened to be in town helping us out because we're moving across the country this upcoming week. She was distracting our son so we could be productive and actually get something done.
I love my son but he's almost one. He's mobile, intensely curious and thinks discipline is really funny. It's a combination that isn't conducive to packing. My mother-in-law perfectly filled the role of playmate and it was a huge help.
Lately, my wife has been working some pretty insane hours. She's a research scientist, a biologist, and since it's a non-traditional job, that often means non-traditional hours. I sometimes joke about being a "science widow" or declare that "Science is a demanding mistress!" Often, that involves fist shaking.
Because she's been working a lot, I've been under more pressure than usual taking care of our son on my own. Add the stress of the upcoming cross-country move and I'm just about ready to crumble.
My mother-in-law being here came at just the right time.
But knowing all of this, my wife suggested that, if I wanted, I could take a chunk of the day on father's day and go do something on my own, to relax and have some downtime. I'm a giant movie buff and, as all parents know, time to go to the movies gets pretty scarce once the kid enters the picture. Movies were suggested.
It was a really sweet thought and I thanked her but I couldn't possibly take her up on that offer. What kind of father would I be if I ran out on my family on father's day for alone time? Nothing says "I love my kids" more than fleeing from them. Maybe in 5 or 10 years when we're all really tired of each other... but on my first ever father's day? I'm not a monster (although it would be pretty sweet to be C'thulu or even one of the Great Old Ones. People going insane just by looking at me? Yes, please!)
So instead the four of us (me, my wife, our son and my mother-in-law) just hung out. We went to an upscale burger joint here in Tucson called Zinburger. If you ever end up in Tucson, you should try it.
Notice the touch of yellow in his shirt that matches my undershirt?
Would it be too dorky to admit I did that on purpose?
I can hear 5 of our 8 readers out there wondering, "Aren't you a vegetarian, Phil?" Yes. I am because I am a stereotype. I am an illustrator/painter/whatever that uses a mac and drives a Prius. (I hope I didn't just drive our other 3 readers away...) Of course I'm a vegetarian. But they have a awesome veggie burger and their fries are amazing. No, they didn't pay for that advertisement. I just like them.
And while we didn't do anything that would make the masses gasp in wonder, we had a good time together. We just enjoyed each other's company. I had fun with my son. Father's Day was pretty cool and I'm glad I didn't spend it by myself in a dark theater, even if the suggestion was made with the best of intentions.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
The Report of My Death Was An Exaggeration
Hey blogosphere:
Sorry I've been relatively incognito, but we're still coming up for air from Miss Ava's arrival. I promise I'll have a hot, fresh blog next week.
But I will drop this quick bit: I received, as all new moms do, ads and flyers from the various "new baby" companies. Similac, Enfamil, Gerber, and others will send stuff to new moms to "educate" them on how to raise their kids.
This material may have some good material, but it's mostly put together to push their brand of whatever on unsuspecting new parents. (Including the pair that reside in this house!) Anyways, it's always sent to the mom: the primary caregiver of the house. I love the stay at home stuff that's been sent to Carrie. I laugh like a super villain, and go, "If they only knew...BWA-HAHA-HA!!!!"
Yes, I'm nuts.
But anyways, today we received an invitation for Similac StrongMoms. Above the address, it says "Your Membersip Benefits & Rewards Are Inside". As I walked to the living room to give it to Carrie, I noticed the addressee.
"Mr. Matthew..."
YES.
We have arrived, gentlemen.
We have arrived.
Sorry I've been relatively incognito, but we're still coming up for air from Miss Ava's arrival. I promise I'll have a hot, fresh blog next week.
But I will drop this quick bit: I received, as all new moms do, ads and flyers from the various "new baby" companies. Similac, Enfamil, Gerber, and others will send stuff to new moms to "educate" them on how to raise their kids.
This material may have some good material, but it's mostly put together to push their brand of whatever on unsuspecting new parents. (Including the pair that reside in this house!) Anyways, it's always sent to the mom: the primary caregiver of the house. I love the stay at home stuff that's been sent to Carrie. I laugh like a super villain, and go, "If they only knew...BWA-HAHA-HA!!!!"
Yes, I'm nuts.
But anyways, today we received an invitation for Similac StrongMoms. Above the address, it says "Your Membersip Benefits & Rewards Are Inside". As I walked to the living room to give it to Carrie, I noticed the addressee.
"Mr. Matthew..."
YES.
We have arrived, gentlemen.
We have arrived.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Pools and alcohol: Happy Father's Day!
by Carlos
Every June, my wife's department throws a party for all the new in-coming. Last year, our first year, I was upset that we didn't bring our kids to the party. It was really cool to see all the other kids playing and I wanted our kids to play with them.
Maybe also, I felt a little awkward there because I didn't know a soul and my kids would have given me a good excuse to get into and out of conversations.
This year, I felt so anxious about going to this annual party. Bringing the kids might have saved me a couple of times, but I really needed some adult time. It's weird that I was anxious about spending time with adults but that I saw that I needed it.
It was neat to see all the other kids there. My kids would have loved the pool party. But guess what I got to do! I drank! Real alcohol! It was like seeing a long lost buddy. And the conversations were really jovial. I had a really nice time. Sorry, kids.
I felt even more guilt free on Father's Day. My parents have a pool and the kids and I spent quite a lot time in the pool together.
So, Happy Father's Day to me and to all!
Every June, my wife's department throws a party for all the new in-coming. Last year, our first year, I was upset that we didn't bring our kids to the party. It was really cool to see all the other kids playing and I wanted our kids to play with them.
Maybe also, I felt a little awkward there because I didn't know a soul and my kids would have given me a good excuse to get into and out of conversations.
This year, I felt so anxious about going to this annual party. Bringing the kids might have saved me a couple of times, but I really needed some adult time. It's weird that I was anxious about spending time with adults but that I saw that I needed it.
It was neat to see all the other kids there. My kids would have loved the pool party. But guess what I got to do! I drank! Real alcohol! It was like seeing a long lost buddy. And the conversations were really jovial. I had a really nice time. Sorry, kids.
I felt even more guilt free on Father's Day. My parents have a pool and the kids and I spent quite a lot time in the pool together.
So, Happy Father's Day to me and to all!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Adulthood Revisited
Oh, cut me some slack. I'm on vacation. ;)
I'll admit that one of the nice things about visiting family is the occasional time here and there where Stacey and I get to feel like grown-ups again. Now, that's not to say that we aren't grown-ups (despite what some may say), but it can be difficult to be one when your world is mostly or all-consumed by all things child.
Something I picked up shortly after becoming a parent was this weird Stockholm Syndrome like effect, where you become so focused on the things your child is into, that you find it hard to have regular conversations that didn't involve intricate details about the current Wiggles lineup. Surprisingly, most of your single or non-child-rearing friends really don't care about interesting trivia like "hey, did you know that there are two different hosts of Blue's Clues?"
I know. I'm as shocked as you are.
About the friends thing, I mean. I'm assuming you already know about Steve and Joe.
It does sneak up on you. You don't realize how far down the parental rabbit-hole you've gone until you start hanging out with friends and find that you have absolutely nothing of substance to talk about.
Impromptu dates are certainly thrown out of the window. What had been a "want to go out and catch a movie?" type of thing, now would become an event that had to be put in your planner. Babysitters would need to be called. Money set aside. Schedules checked. Prayers to the parental Gods that all goes off without a hitch.
One tends to lose some spontaneity, is what I'm saying.
So what happens when we go home to visit family? A brief return to adulthood, in a way. Because our parents know where we're coming from.
Because they've been there.
Conversations now become this best-of-both-worlds moment where we can switch from talking about current events, or what cool things are going on, to talking about what Brady made in her art class, and no one bats an eye. Feel like going out to the local pub tonight? We're practically shoved out the door if it means the grandparents get to spend some quality time with their granddaughter.
Because really, they love to see Stacey and me. But they love to see Brady. And who are we to get in the way of that?
As Brady has become older, parenthood has become easier (relatively speaking). We have a bit more balance between kid time and grown-up time. The impromptu trip out can even happen now (though it's more like for the three of us). Still, it nice when we go back to visit our families and our parents go and say, "why don't you two go out for a bit? We'll watch her. Take your time."
It certainly doesn't suck.
I'll admit that one of the nice things about visiting family is the occasional time here and there where Stacey and I get to feel like grown-ups again. Now, that's not to say that we aren't grown-ups (despite what some may say), but it can be difficult to be one when your world is mostly or all-consumed by all things child.
Something I picked up shortly after becoming a parent was this weird Stockholm Syndrome like effect, where you become so focused on the things your child is into, that you find it hard to have regular conversations that didn't involve intricate details about the current Wiggles lineup. Surprisingly, most of your single or non-child-rearing friends really don't care about interesting trivia like "hey, did you know that there are two different hosts of Blue's Clues?"
I know. I'm as shocked as you are.
About the friends thing, I mean. I'm assuming you already know about Steve and Joe.
It does sneak up on you. You don't realize how far down the parental rabbit-hole you've gone until you start hanging out with friends and find that you have absolutely nothing of substance to talk about.
Impromptu dates are certainly thrown out of the window. What had been a "want to go out and catch a movie?" type of thing, now would become an event that had to be put in your planner. Babysitters would need to be called. Money set aside. Schedules checked. Prayers to the parental Gods that all goes off without a hitch.
One tends to lose some spontaneity, is what I'm saying.
So what happens when we go home to visit family? A brief return to adulthood, in a way. Because our parents know where we're coming from.
Because they've been there.
Conversations now become this best-of-both-worlds moment where we can switch from talking about current events, or what cool things are going on, to talking about what Brady made in her art class, and no one bats an eye. Feel like going out to the local pub tonight? We're practically shoved out the door if it means the grandparents get to spend some quality time with their granddaughter.
Because really, they love to see Stacey and me. But they love to see Brady. And who are we to get in the way of that?
As Brady has become older, parenthood has become easier (relatively speaking). We have a bit more balance between kid time and grown-up time. The impromptu trip out can even happen now (though it's more like for the three of us). Still, it nice when we go back to visit our families and our parents go and say, "why don't you two go out for a bit? We'll watch her. Take your time."
It certainly doesn't suck.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Child Safety Seats are Wonderful
by Phil
Depending on the source, 75 to 80 percent of all child safety seats are incorrectly installed. Either way, that's a huge number. Think about that. Eight in 10 kids are riding around in a seat that can't fully protect them.
It's particularly sad when there are resources out there that will check the installation of a safety seat and verify that it's been put in correctly.
I'm particularly concerned about that this week because my family was in a car accident 4 days ago. I won't go into too many details but, like all accidents, it was really scary. While driving our prius, we were hit nearly head on by a minivan. Seeing that van coming at us was one of the most terrifying moments of my life.
After the impact, there was that dazed moment that always seems to descend during such incidents. There was a second or two where we just sat there stunned. Even our son was quiet. Then he let our a loud cry that snapped us back to ourselves.
My wife, who was driving, couldn't open her door so she climbed over the consul and out my passenger side door. We rushed to our son. I couldn't get to him fast enough.
Luckily, his car seat was installed correctly and he wasn't hurt. He was just scared and, as soon as we picked him up, he calmed right down.
A few weeks before our son was born, I called around to find a place that would check the installation of our car seat. Strangely enough, the most convenient place and time that worked was our local community college's police force. It wasn't the first place I called but some internet searches included them on the list and the officer that did it was really cool.
She was telling me various stories from the road, and, honestly, rambled a bit, while checking everything over. At the time, the meandering conversation was a bit of an annoyance. I had things to do, right? Don't we all?
But standing there with our front end smashed in, the driver side wheel well completely demolished and the car undrivable, I was glad I spent that time with the loquacious cop. It was an hour or so out of an afternoon that helped protect my son 11 months later. We all left the crash with nothing but bruises and soreness.
So if you have a car seat that you've never had checked, I urge you to call your local police department or fire station. Most of them can look it over or refer you to someone who does. Even if you think you've done it properly, remember the statistic that up to 80% of these things are put in incorrectly.
As a side note, I'm a terrible blogger because I didn't think to take any photos. That would have helped sell my argument. Ah, well. I had other things on my mind and hopefully there won't be a next time.
Depending on the source, 75 to 80 percent of all child safety seats are incorrectly installed. Either way, that's a huge number. Think about that. Eight in 10 kids are riding around in a seat that can't fully protect them.
It's particularly sad when there are resources out there that will check the installation of a safety seat and verify that it's been put in correctly.
I'm particularly concerned about that this week because my family was in a car accident 4 days ago. I won't go into too many details but, like all accidents, it was really scary. While driving our prius, we were hit nearly head on by a minivan. Seeing that van coming at us was one of the most terrifying moments of my life.
After the impact, there was that dazed moment that always seems to descend during such incidents. There was a second or two where we just sat there stunned. Even our son was quiet. Then he let our a loud cry that snapped us back to ourselves.
My wife, who was driving, couldn't open her door so she climbed over the consul and out my passenger side door. We rushed to our son. I couldn't get to him fast enough.
Luckily, his car seat was installed correctly and he wasn't hurt. He was just scared and, as soon as we picked him up, he calmed right down.
A few weeks before our son was born, I called around to find a place that would check the installation of our car seat. Strangely enough, the most convenient place and time that worked was our local community college's police force. It wasn't the first place I called but some internet searches included them on the list and the officer that did it was really cool.
She was telling me various stories from the road, and, honestly, rambled a bit, while checking everything over. At the time, the meandering conversation was a bit of an annoyance. I had things to do, right? Don't we all?
But standing there with our front end smashed in, the driver side wheel well completely demolished and the car undrivable, I was glad I spent that time with the loquacious cop. It was an hour or so out of an afternoon that helped protect my son 11 months later. We all left the crash with nothing but bruises and soreness.
So if you have a car seat that you've never had checked, I urge you to call your local police department or fire station. Most of them can look it over or refer you to someone who does. Even if you think you've done it properly, remember the statistic that up to 80% of these things are put in incorrectly.
As a side note, I'm a terrible blogger because I didn't think to take any photos. That would have helped sell my argument. Ah, well. I had other things on my mind and hopefully there won't be a next time.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Thankful
First thing's first. My apologies on not being very present on Thursdays. My life has been in an upheaval.
Nothing bad. Quite the opposite.
Ava was born last Wednesday at 9:28 AM. She was quite unhappy leaving the womb, while Carrie & I were ecstatic. I'm always amazed that I can fall in love again, so easily & so quickly.
I just want to remind everybody that despite what you may think, there are so many people that care about you and love you.
No, seriously.
I am always humbled by people's generosity. And it's not really because I think we don't deserve it, or some other Eeyore-like quality. It's just that I'm not always conscious of it.
After Ava was born, so many people offered us help, words of encouragement, and love almost immediately. They're friends and they're family, but they really do want to help.
I was thankful when Carrie's cousin from out of town, sent stickers for the girls, & a $75 Gift Card to Target for us. She said it was for "necessities."
A friend of ours from high school, with whom we've recently been casually reacquainted with (thank you, Facebook), brought over a full meal, complete with dessert over.
A friend of mine offered her help for anything we might need. I love her, but she's not necessarily known for being generous. (Great. Now I feel like a jerk.)
Carrie & I were moved (her to tears. Thanks Hormones!) by reading all of the well wishes through emails & Facebook posts.
I don't want this to come off as a "Look how awesome we are," which by the way, is probably true. I want this to be more a reminder that there are people in all of our lives that want what's best for us. You'd think as parents, we'd automatically be aware of that, always.
I don't know. It feels like I'm rambling.
Sleep deprivation has it's sway with me right now. But I will leave you with this reassurance that I recently learned:
I'm here to help. If there's anything that you need, and it's within my power, I'm here to help.
Nothing bad. Quite the opposite.
Ava was born last Wednesday at 9:28 AM. She was quite unhappy leaving the womb, while Carrie & I were ecstatic. I'm always amazed that I can fall in love again, so easily & so quickly.
I just want to remind everybody that despite what you may think, there are so many people that care about you and love you.
No, seriously.
I am always humbled by people's generosity. And it's not really because I think we don't deserve it, or some other Eeyore-like quality. It's just that I'm not always conscious of it.
After Ava was born, so many people offered us help, words of encouragement, and love almost immediately. They're friends and they're family, but they really do want to help.
I was thankful when Carrie's cousin from out of town, sent stickers for the girls, & a $75 Gift Card to Target for us. She said it was for "necessities."
A friend of ours from high school, with whom we've recently been casually reacquainted with (thank you, Facebook), brought over a full meal, complete with dessert over.
A friend of mine offered her help for anything we might need. I love her, but she's not necessarily known for being generous. (Great. Now I feel like a jerk.)
Carrie & I were moved (her to tears. Thanks Hormones!) by reading all of the well wishes through emails & Facebook posts.
I don't want this to come off as a "Look how awesome we are," which by the way, is probably true. I want this to be more a reminder that there are people in all of our lives that want what's best for us. You'd think as parents, we'd automatically be aware of that, always.
I don't know. It feels like I'm rambling.
Sleep deprivation has it's sway with me right now. But I will leave you with this reassurance that I recently learned:
I'm here to help. If there's anything that you need, and it's within my power, I'm here to help.
Enjoy the Small Things...
...like having a cousin around to play with Brady so I can have a chance to hang out and relax, and not have to worry about entertaining her constantly. That's certainly nice.
New column on Monday. Promise. :)
Music Lessons
Music lessons
Once a week, for one hour, I expose my kids to the piano teacher. I don’t know exactly why I say it like that, but we’ve got the strangest relationship with this odd little old woman.
To give you a picture, she’s up there, maybe early 130’s? She remembers when she used to gather the leaves in the fall and pile them up against the exterior of the house for insulation during the winter. That’s got to be, like, the turn of the century or something. Not a gray hair on her head. Thin as a rail, big prescription glasses, and this constant, vacant smile. I think she smiles like that, all day long, alone or not, sleeping, awake, whatever.
She’s nice enough to talk to, a pleasant, upbeat Christian. Sometimes I can’t figure out what she’s talking about, I think she said that she dated Samuel Adams, but I do the mannerly, laugh and nod thing. The kids like her enough, they tell her about whatever they’re excited about at the moment… and then she starts teaching. Meaning, she goes into that old teaching persona, where she isn’t going to take any guff. But my kids don’t give guff. They aren’t guff givers.
My 8 year old will play 3 notes and then she’s stopped with an over bearing, “What are you doing? That’s not a B flat!” Three more notes, “Are those supposed to be half notes?” Three more notes, “Allegro… ALLEGRO!”
My son, who practices every single day, sits in his lesson with a stoic expression waiting for her to stop repeating, “You have to practice to get it right! Do you ever practice?”
They get extra work assigned as punishment if they don’t get their songs right. Total negative reinforcement stuff. I’ve spoken to her a few times, just to take her edge off. And things get better for a while, but it all boils down to her belief that this is how teaching is supposed to be.
Well, I don’t expect her to change her ways, so our options are clear. Keep her, or dump her. I lean toward dumping her, so do the kids. You should see their faces when she cancels out (she can’t drive in the rain, and sometimes forgets it’s Thursday). But dumping her has its down side. She’s a little old woman who needs the money. We’re her only customers. I mean c’mon. Plus, I’m too much of a chicken to actually do it. She’s kind of a sweet old lady when she’s not teaching. I don’t have the heart.
So that makes option 2 so much more attractive. Lets keep her. The kids CAN read music now. They ARE playing better all the time. And don’t kids need exposure to all kinds of personality types? It’ll help them to appreciate all the other teachers they’ll have throughout their lives. And she can’t live forever.
Once a week, for one hour, I expose my kids to the piano teacher. I don’t know exactly why I say it like that, but we’ve got the strangest relationship with this odd little old woman.
To give you a picture, she’s up there, maybe early 130’s? She remembers when she used to gather the leaves in the fall and pile them up against the exterior of the house for insulation during the winter. That’s got to be, like, the turn of the century or something. Not a gray hair on her head. Thin as a rail, big prescription glasses, and this constant, vacant smile. I think she smiles like that, all day long, alone or not, sleeping, awake, whatever.
She’s nice enough to talk to, a pleasant, upbeat Christian. Sometimes I can’t figure out what she’s talking about, I think she said that she dated Samuel Adams, but I do the mannerly, laugh and nod thing. The kids like her enough, they tell her about whatever they’re excited about at the moment… and then she starts teaching. Meaning, she goes into that old teaching persona, where she isn’t going to take any guff. But my kids don’t give guff. They aren’t guff givers.
My 8 year old will play 3 notes and then she’s stopped with an over bearing, “What are you doing? That’s not a B flat!” Three more notes, “Are those supposed to be half notes?” Three more notes, “Allegro… ALLEGRO!”
My son, who practices every single day, sits in his lesson with a stoic expression waiting for her to stop repeating, “You have to practice to get it right! Do you ever practice?”
They get extra work assigned as punishment if they don’t get their songs right. Total negative reinforcement stuff. I’ve spoken to her a few times, just to take her edge off. And things get better for a while, but it all boils down to her belief that this is how teaching is supposed to be.
Well, I don’t expect her to change her ways, so our options are clear. Keep her, or dump her. I lean toward dumping her, so do the kids. You should see their faces when she cancels out (she can’t drive in the rain, and sometimes forgets it’s Thursday). But dumping her has its down side. She’s a little old woman who needs the money. We’re her only customers. I mean c’mon. Plus, I’m too much of a chicken to actually do it. She’s kind of a sweet old lady when she’s not teaching. I don’t have the heart.
So that makes option 2 so much more attractive. Lets keep her. The kids CAN read music now. They ARE playing better all the time. And don’t kids need exposure to all kinds of personality types? It’ll help them to appreciate all the other teachers they’ll have throughout their lives. And she can’t live forever.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
On and On
I had the best conversation with my kids today. School is out for the summer but I like to keep the learning going on all year long. So over the summer we do a little math, a little science and some other things. Nothing serious, just a little bit to keep their brains tuned up.
So today was history. We did a little review of what we learned last summer so that we can pick up where we left off. They don’t have to take notes, there’s no test, I’ll read a little bit to them and we just talk about it.
I can’t believe how much they retained from last summer. I asked how people first came to America, and my son gives me the whole story about how people from Southern Asia hunted the big stuff like mammoths, and how discovering fire allowed them to hunt further North where it used to be too cold, and then they hunted all the way across that land bridge to North America.
He was so excited to tell the story and so into it. I was so proud. That started a whole conversation about how those people lived their lives. My daughter talked about how they invented the sewing needle from bone and made cloths that fit. And how when we find human bones, from way back then, we usually find dog bones too. So they either had dogs as pets or raised them for food.
Every time she spoke, my son followed it with an encouraging, “so what, who didn’t know that?” I could have done without that, but sitting on the porch and talking with them like that makes me feel so good.
When I read all these other posts, and when I see parents out and about with their babies and toddlers, (as long as the babies and toddlers are cute and not acting like little monsters) it’s hard not to think about when my kids were that age. I loved it. We never had the terrible two’s or the terrible anything. It was all good.
I can’t help but miss all the stuff that parents with young children are experiencing right now. I used to love rocking my kids back and forth when they were babies. And then watching them get the hang of walking and talking, and then listening while they read a book to me all by themselves.
I hear people all the time saying that they wish they had those times back. Sure I miss that stuff, but the good times don’t stop when they can walk and talk and use the bathroom by themselves. My kids are 8 and 10 now , we’re having real conversations, about real things, like religion, and history and race and even a little politics. They’ll always be discovering new things. They’ll always be growing up. Those walking and talking moments, those new discovery moments, they don’t stop. They just discover new stuff, and it’s amazing to see. It just keeps going on and on. I love this job.
So today was history. We did a little review of what we learned last summer so that we can pick up where we left off. They don’t have to take notes, there’s no test, I’ll read a little bit to them and we just talk about it.
I can’t believe how much they retained from last summer. I asked how people first came to America, and my son gives me the whole story about how people from Southern Asia hunted the big stuff like mammoths, and how discovering fire allowed them to hunt further North where it used to be too cold, and then they hunted all the way across that land bridge to North America.
He was so excited to tell the story and so into it. I was so proud. That started a whole conversation about how those people lived their lives. My daughter talked about how they invented the sewing needle from bone and made cloths that fit. And how when we find human bones, from way back then, we usually find dog bones too. So they either had dogs as pets or raised them for food.
Every time she spoke, my son followed it with an encouraging, “so what, who didn’t know that?” I could have done without that, but sitting on the porch and talking with them like that makes me feel so good.
When I read all these other posts, and when I see parents out and about with their babies and toddlers, (as long as the babies and toddlers are cute and not acting like little monsters) it’s hard not to think about when my kids were that age. I loved it. We never had the terrible two’s or the terrible anything. It was all good.
I can’t help but miss all the stuff that parents with young children are experiencing right now. I used to love rocking my kids back and forth when they were babies. And then watching them get the hang of walking and talking, and then listening while they read a book to me all by themselves.
I hear people all the time saying that they wish they had those times back. Sure I miss that stuff, but the good times don’t stop when they can walk and talk and use the bathroom by themselves. My kids are 8 and 10 now , we’re having real conversations, about real things, like religion, and history and race and even a little politics. They’ll always be discovering new things. They’ll always be growing up. Those walking and talking moments, those new discovery moments, they don’t stop. They just discover new stuff, and it’s amazing to see. It just keeps going on and on. I love this job.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
How did I go from the kitchen to... oh well.
by Carlos
I'm in the kitchen a lot. But before I continue, I want to say that my wife is certainly the best cook. Often, I'm finishing dinner as she comes home and she does something magical to my dish that saves the family from eating something drab and tasteless. I'm always amazed at her skill. And on the weekends, and even on some weekdays, she cooks the dinner. And that's always a GOOD meal!
But, having said that, I am always in the kitchen. My sister once told me that she went to bed after having spent the day with my aunts while we were all on vacation in my parent's home town. We have a big family and she said that she went to bed exhausted, but couldn't remember what she had done all day. Then, she recalled that they took an hour or more to make breakfast for everyone. After breakfast, they cleaned up and it was time to make lunch. After lunch, they cleaned up and it was time to make dinner. After dinner, it was time to clean up and there she found herself quite ready to sleep. I can't say that those are my days.
But it does feel like I am always in the kitchen. I don't know if I'm there to 'hide' from the kids. I don't know if I just like the kitchen (I did just get a new radio for it). Maybe I'm just plain slow. Maybe, I'm too prideful of my meals and I have to have them just perfect.
The only reason it bothers me is that I don't spend a lot of time with the kids. Maybe I do spend enough time with them, but I'm just feeling guilty for not spending more time with them. Honestly, they can get pretty sick of me.
You know there's no real grading system for this thing! I really have NO idea if I'm doing a good job or not. What's the balance between not eating too many TV dinners and spending quality time with the kids? How would I know? When I was a teacher, we had standards, assessments, and peer evaluations. Who's going to correct me? I have no idea, I could be creating a time bomb in one my kids and not even know it until they're a freshman and bringing a flare gun to school (ever watch the Breakfast Club?).
I once asked my uncle for advice in raising kids. He told me that I have to be prepared to forgive myself for all the mistakes I'm going to make in my kids and that I have to trust that God is bigger than all the mistakes I will make in them.
I hope I can do that.
I'm in the kitchen a lot. But before I continue, I want to say that my wife is certainly the best cook. Often, I'm finishing dinner as she comes home and she does something magical to my dish that saves the family from eating something drab and tasteless. I'm always amazed at her skill. And on the weekends, and even on some weekdays, she cooks the dinner. And that's always a GOOD meal!
But, having said that, I am always in the kitchen. My sister once told me that she went to bed after having spent the day with my aunts while we were all on vacation in my parent's home town. We have a big family and she said that she went to bed exhausted, but couldn't remember what she had done all day. Then, she recalled that they took an hour or more to make breakfast for everyone. After breakfast, they cleaned up and it was time to make lunch. After lunch, they cleaned up and it was time to make dinner. After dinner, it was time to clean up and there she found herself quite ready to sleep. I can't say that those are my days.
But it does feel like I am always in the kitchen. I don't know if I'm there to 'hide' from the kids. I don't know if I just like the kitchen (I did just get a new radio for it). Maybe I'm just plain slow. Maybe, I'm too prideful of my meals and I have to have them just perfect.
The only reason it bothers me is that I don't spend a lot of time with the kids. Maybe I do spend enough time with them, but I'm just feeling guilty for not spending more time with them. Honestly, they can get pretty sick of me.
You know there's no real grading system for this thing! I really have NO idea if I'm doing a good job or not. What's the balance between not eating too many TV dinners and spending quality time with the kids? How would I know? When I was a teacher, we had standards, assessments, and peer evaluations. Who's going to correct me? I have no idea, I could be creating a time bomb in one my kids and not even know it until they're a freshman and bringing a flare gun to school (ever watch the Breakfast Club?).
I once asked my uncle for advice in raising kids. He told me that I have to be prepared to forgive myself for all the mistakes I'm going to make in my kids and that I have to trust that God is bigger than all the mistakes I will make in them.
I hope I can do that.
Monday, June 6, 2011
The Yearly Pilgrimage
By Doug
It's vacation time again. Time for us to pack our bags and board a plane, 'cause were heading back to our ancestral homeland: Upstate New York.
It works out pretty well for us, since both my family, Stacey's family, and our respective friends live in the same (general) area. So, we can easily split the time, and we get to see everyone.
But man is it becoming expensive to go back.
Chalk it up to sagging economy, rising gas prices, other home projects that need time and/or money (like our roof that needs to be replaced), or other things that I'm probably forgetting about. It's getting more and more difficult to fly back East. I figure at some point, we're going to have to just skip a summer, stay home, and replace the gutters (like we've been meaning to for the past few years).
Except, I don't know if that "some point" will ever come. Nor do I really want it to.
Yeah, for Stacey and me, it's always nice to go back and see our family and friends (and take advantage of our once-a-year free babysitting service). But, that's not really the driving force of our yearly pilgrimages. What is really important is that Brady gets to have time with her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.
Family had always been important in our lives growing up. In light of some true horror stories out there, it makes having the familial relationships we have that much more important and treasured. We want Brady go have that closeness as well. It's just that it's a bit tough to do that from 2,500 miles away. Oh sure, we take full advantage of 21st century cyber-tools, like Skype and Facebook to be better connected to our family back in New York. But, it's not quite the same as being there.
We want Brady to be able to be with her cousins, not think of them in the abstract. We want her to know and be with her grandparents (not to mention, they'd like to see her, too). Most importantly, we want her to know and feel that her family is not just the three of us; that there is a large extended family that is there for her too, should she ever need them as she grows older.
Truth be told, the trip back is good for us as well. We need the combination mental recharge/emotional reassurance that we get from our families. It helps us through the other eleven months of the year when we are pretty much on our own. It's certainly nice to have it when you have the chance.
So, does the house need work? Most definitely. Will it be tough to afford the trip back if prices continue as they have been. Absolutely.
But, will we make it work in order for the three of us to make it back for that one-month-a-year visit home?
Like you really have to ask.
Friday, June 3, 2011
You Are a Great Man!
by Phil
Two weeks ago, I wrote about our disastrous first flight with our son last christmas. We've had two other flights since and it's been a breeze. In fact, while our son received compliments, I was also referred to as "great" by two different strangers.
Whenever we are out as a family and we need our son to sleep, I'm often the one that does the classic parent bounce.
Even if you aren't a parent, I'm sure you've seen it enough to know what I'm talking about. It's the move every parent pulls out in public at some point. You hold the kid close to your body, often with a hand gently guiding the baby's head down onto a shoulder, while bouncing and shooshing, in the hopes of putting the kid to sleep.
The Goal
By now, I'm pretty experienced with the bounce and he's been conditioned to accept it, so if he's tired I can get him to sleep pretty much anywhere. I'll even go out on a limb and claim to be pretty good at it. Although, I suspect my long torso may have something to do with the success rate. He can really settle in and relax, at which point, I may be just taking unearned credit for something I have no real control over.
So when it comes to getting him to sleep at airports, I usually take the lead. It's optimal if we can get him to sleep before we even board the plane so I'll start the process while we wait in the terminal.
We started this strategy the first time we flew back at Christmas. My son and I stepped over to a less-populated corner of the terminal and attempted the bounce. Things were going pretty well and he was really beginning to relax. I was feeling pretty proud of myself. Back then, he was only 5 months old and he would often let out a loud scream right before clonking out for good. We met a couple recently whose younger daughter currently does the same thing. They call it "the final protest," which I like a lot. It's a strange but hilarious behavior as infants let out a loud screech right before they’re totally asleep noggin head-butts you in the chest.
Well, in the airport terminal, right before we got onto the plane, my son lets out a really
loud final protest, only to be asleep on my chest a second later. My wife told me later that the old lady sitting next to her leaned over and said, "Oh, he doesn't like his father very much, does he?" Unfortunately, he woke up right before take off and we ended up with the adventure I wrote about two weeks ago.
On this most recent trip, instead of being told that my son doesn't like me, strangers lauded me, heaping compliments upon me as if I were some sort of fathering celebrity.
It was awesome.
On the departure flight, I was standing in the back of the plane doing the bounce. A gentleman from Nairobi was also standing at the back of the plane stretching his legs. After a few moments of silence, the man leans over and says, "You are a great man." Not one to turn down compliments from strangers, I thanked him and continued my effort to put my son to sleep. He pressed on. "You probably don't hear that enough but you are a great man."
I replied with, "Do mind going up and telling my wife that?"
Then, on the way home, I was bouncing our son in the terminal when a woman about 50 feet away loudly proclaimed, "You are a great dad!"
I smiled and thanked her. As she turned away, she kind of shook her head in a manner than expressed that she couldn't believe her eyes. She repeated in a quieter, almost wistful tone "A great dad."
I don't know why my fellow air travelers feel the need to call me "great." I also don't know why they feel the need to drive the point home by repeating it a second time. As far as I know, strangers have never called my wife great for doing her job as a mother. Why should I get extra kudos for doing my job as a father? It's kind of strange.
With that said though, being told that you are great never gets old. Reminding my wife that strangers have told me I'm great also never gets old. So if anyone else would like to step up and give me a compliment, I won't complain. Let's just remember that mothers do this job too and deserve their share of the credit.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Status Update
So here's where I'm at:
We've been getting the house ready over the past few weeks for the baby. (Better late than never!) It's been the most intense over the past week and a half or so. I've done a little home remodeling, Feng Shui adjusting, and redecorating. It's been nice to be so productive.
Since Carrie's due date (May 31) with no baby, her doctor recommended a induction to be scheduled for tonight. We prepared our house, and got our kids ready to be babysat by my sister. (In my house, my sister is on the same level as the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy. It's like magic.)
We headed to the hospital @ 7:30. It's no more than 2 minutes from our house, so the drive was quick. We got Carrie up to the room, to be admitted. They drew blood for some tests, and then attached the IV. The baby monitor was attached, to keep track of the baby's vitals. Now they needed to do the...exam.
Well, long story short: they said that Carrie's lady business wasn't ready for it's grand opening.
...
(Yeah, I'm gonna leave that one alone.)
So we got sent home after a few hours! From a scheduled induction!
It's crazy. So now we're home, waiting for #3 to show up.
Hopefully, next week I'll be the father of 3. And not the husband of an angry woman with a baby STILL in her belly.
We've been getting the house ready over the past few weeks for the baby. (Better late than never!) It's been the most intense over the past week and a half or so. I've done a little home remodeling, Feng Shui adjusting, and redecorating. It's been nice to be so productive.
Since Carrie's due date (May 31) with no baby, her doctor recommended a induction to be scheduled for tonight. We prepared our house, and got our kids ready to be babysat by my sister. (In my house, my sister is on the same level as the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy. It's like magic.)
We headed to the hospital @ 7:30. It's no more than 2 minutes from our house, so the drive was quick. We got Carrie up to the room, to be admitted. They drew blood for some tests, and then attached the IV. The baby monitor was attached, to keep track of the baby's vitals. Now they needed to do the...exam.
Well, long story short: they said that Carrie's lady business wasn't ready for it's grand opening.
...
(Yeah, I'm gonna leave that one alone.)
So we got sent home after a few hours! From a scheduled induction!
It's crazy. So now we're home, waiting for #3 to show up.
Hopefully, next week I'll be the father of 3. And not the husband of an angry woman with a baby STILL in her belly.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Help with vacations
I need to book our big, family vacation, but I’m not very good at it. I just about ruined last summer.
My wife was stressed and had to get away. It didn’t need to happen immediately, but she required something to look forward to. Like when dinner is still an hour away and the kids are staaaaarrrrrrrrrrving, a little snack holds them over. A vacation on the horizon, all planned and ready to go, holds her over.
It was a tough trip to plan, for me at least. The kids HAD to use their new passports. That means leaving the country. But there was no destination that we’ve always wanted to take the kids at ages 7 and 9. So, where do we go? What do we do? I have to research for family friendly, and price, and length of flight.
Also, we’re leaving the country with the kids. That means I get over excited about safety. That means researching crime rates and tourist warnings and the typical “what to watch out for” stuff. Plus, I was so busy with other things.
In a nutshell, I took way too long. Things got bad. My wife secretly hated me. I could tell by such subtle little clues as, “You’re ruining our vacation!” And a near tearful, “Will you just book something!”
But… I can’t just book something, there’s so much to consider, so much research to do.
Finally, we went to Costa Rica. Booked it 2 weeks before we took off. It was awesome. But I could have planned it better. Because of the area we stayed, we can’t give blood for 1 year (by the way, they should tell you that at the blood drive, before they prick your finger to get your blood type).
So here we are again, I NEED to book a family vacation. But I suck at it. I need some suggestions and I’m sure that you, and a lot of other dads out there could use some original ideas too. Lets help each other out.
If you could, in one of your upcoming posts, write about your family vacation spots. The ones you would reccomend. It can be a place you visited when you were young yourself, or somewhere you took your own kids. Actually it really doesn’t even matter if you’ve been there or not, make it someplace you’ve always wanted to go.
Here’s our trip to Costa Rica. It really wasn’t that expensive. Air fair, airport transfers and resort with all meals, for the four of us was around $2,000. It’s not a place to go for the beaches. It’s all about the rain forests, and the volcanoes, and the wildlife.
Felt safe the whole time. But didn’t stray from the tourist path like we might have done before kids. At the hotels and resorts you sign up for excursions that cost extra, but this is how you really see the country. We did lots of driving but beautiful scenery all around. Cost of a meal or gifts was about the same as it would be here. Their dollar is called the colon. The people are called Ticos.
We had a lot of fun trying to use Spanish, going horse back riding and zip lining. The “rules and regulations” about putting a 7 year old on a zip line aren’t very strict. It was the highlight of the trip. Would definitely recommend this as a family friendly vacation, as long as you don’t stray from the recommended tourist paths.
My wife was stressed and had to get away. It didn’t need to happen immediately, but she required something to look forward to. Like when dinner is still an hour away and the kids are staaaaarrrrrrrrrrving, a little snack holds them over. A vacation on the horizon, all planned and ready to go, holds her over.
It was a tough trip to plan, for me at least. The kids HAD to use their new passports. That means leaving the country. But there was no destination that we’ve always wanted to take the kids at ages 7 and 9. So, where do we go? What do we do? I have to research for family friendly, and price, and length of flight.
Also, we’re leaving the country with the kids. That means I get over excited about safety. That means researching crime rates and tourist warnings and the typical “what to watch out for” stuff. Plus, I was so busy with other things.
In a nutshell, I took way too long. Things got bad. My wife secretly hated me. I could tell by such subtle little clues as, “You’re ruining our vacation!” And a near tearful, “Will you just book something!”
But… I can’t just book something, there’s so much to consider, so much research to do.
Finally, we went to Costa Rica. Booked it 2 weeks before we took off. It was awesome. But I could have planned it better. Because of the area we stayed, we can’t give blood for 1 year (by the way, they should tell you that at the blood drive, before they prick your finger to get your blood type).
So here we are again, I NEED to book a family vacation. But I suck at it. I need some suggestions and I’m sure that you, and a lot of other dads out there could use some original ideas too. Lets help each other out.
If you could, in one of your upcoming posts, write about your family vacation spots. The ones you would reccomend. It can be a place you visited when you were young yourself, or somewhere you took your own kids. Actually it really doesn’t even matter if you’ve been there or not, make it someplace you’ve always wanted to go.
Here’s our trip to Costa Rica. It really wasn’t that expensive. Air fair, airport transfers and resort with all meals, for the four of us was around $2,000. It’s not a place to go for the beaches. It’s all about the rain forests, and the volcanoes, and the wildlife.
Felt safe the whole time. But didn’t stray from the tourist path like we might have done before kids. At the hotels and resorts you sign up for excursions that cost extra, but this is how you really see the country. We did lots of driving but beautiful scenery all around. Cost of a meal or gifts was about the same as it would be here. Their dollar is called the colon. The people are called Ticos.
We had a lot of fun trying to use Spanish, going horse back riding and zip lining. The “rules and regulations” about putting a 7 year old on a zip line aren’t very strict. It was the highlight of the trip. Would definitely recommend this as a family friendly vacation, as long as you don’t stray from the recommended tourist paths.
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