Horrible thing to say

What do I really think of being a stay at home dad? I thought I knew, but questions have come up. Things have changed a bit.

My wife was lying on the bed with my daughter. She says, “Tell Daddy what you said you want to be when you grow up.” The girl says, “I want to be a stay at home mom… so that I can sleep in all the time.” Wife starts laughing.

The focus of that statement for them was the part about sleeping in all the time. I don’t, but they always say that I do. To my wife, sleeping past 6:30 is sleeping in.

Now, if I really felt how I thought I did about staying home with the kids, I would have approved, encouraged, told her what a great stay at home mom she would be. And you know what, maybe I should have done all that anyway. But I didn’t, I said,
“Great, that’ll save us a bundle in college tuition!”

I know… it’s a terrible thing to say. I essentially told my 8 year old girl that her goal (of doing what her daddy does) is not one that I’m willing to encourage. What did I mean by that? Why did I say it? Was it Freudian? Maybe. It really got me thinking.

To state the obvious, I really didn’t like it when she said that she wanted to stay at home with the kids. It made me feel like I haven’t done enough to foster a sense of ambition, of finding her place in the world and becoming a part of things.

So great, now, not only have I given up my career building years for something that will come to an end in the next few years, but, apparently on some subconscious level, I gave them up for something that I wouldn’t even want my kids to do. Or at least that I don’t think is worth the sacrifice. Now I know how my dad felt when I told him I was going to be a stay at home dad.

Deep thought. Time passes.

Maybe that’s not it. I mean… that’s not it. If I didn’t stay home with the kids, our family would be different than it is right now. I don’t want it to be different than it is right now. That’s enough rationalizing for me. I really have no questions about what I’m doing.

So why didn’t I like my daughter’s goal of doing what her daddy does? There it is. It’s the word goal. I don’t think that staying at home with the kids is a good GOAL.

You know what? That feels right.

Of course staying home with the kids is a respectable thing to do, nothing wrong with it at all. But it isn’t a goal. It’s a sacrifice that you make, or an opportunity that you take to do what you need to do for your family. But it isn’t a goal. A goal is a purpose, an aspiration. Her goals are about her own personal satisfaction with her life. In my experience, being a stay at home parent doesn’t really fill that. Not enough anyway.

If along her path, she decides to stay at home with the kids, then that’s great. As long as staying home doesn’t become her path.

There, my head is back on straight. I’ve got to find my daughter. I got some explaining to do.