"Where is your mother?!"

by Carlos

It was really quite wonderful to sit with so much of my family on Mother's Day. All the kids were playing with their cousins. The food was fantastic! And the conversation was joyful. Happy Mother's Day!

When I asked if my wife was having a good day, she asked me back because, she said, that day today was to be shared with me. "Oh no!" I said. "I'm not a mother! Today is YOUR day."

Yes, Mother's Day is for females. She carried our children in her womb. She breast fed them. She has cleaned many a diaper. It's true, that I have clean many more, but I'm not a mother. I mean, who do the kids go to when they need help?

I pondered this on Mother's Day as I was eating my delicious fudge brownie for desert, when just then, Lani came to me in a half frantic. "Papi, I need your help!" She grabbed my arm and led me into my in-laws' bathroom.

"What's the matter, Lani?"

"I need you to help me go shi shi (pee) ."

"Lani, you're 3 yrs old. You wipe yourself."

"No, Papi. Don't leave me." How desperate a little 3 yr old can sound.

"Do you need to go caca (poop)?"

"No, Papi. Just shi shi (pee)."

When we were all done, I saw my wife having a great time. She was hamming it up with all her family. She was having a good time. "Good", I thought. "She's having a good time." I had a warm feeling in my heart.

That lasted about 5 minutes. Lani came back tugging on my arm. "Papi, I need your help!"
She dragged me back into the bathroom. "I have to go caca (poop)."

"But I asked you if you needed to go caca. Why didn't you go before?"

"Papi, stay here. Make sure nobody comes in." Now, I don't know if there's such a thing as a 'smell-o-meter', but my daughter's poo would be off the charts! I backed up to the door and thought about just leaving. But she was quicker than I. "Papi, stay!" So, I lit a match that my in-laws so mercifully placed in the bathroom for me. "Papi, why did you do that?"

"Umm, this match helps to get rid of the caca smell."

"Caca smells, huh, Papi." It was a statement. And damn, what a statement it was! How do such smells come from such a sweet little girl???!!! "But what about shi shi, Papi? Does shi shi smell?"

"Not really, Lani. Just caca."

"But Papi, what about shi shi and caca mixed together? Would that smell?"

My match is burning out quick! When is this going to end? "Lani, do you have more caca?" Meaning, "hurry up! You're burning out my olfactory!" So, she does her signature move; her head tilts. Her eyes begin to bulge. She's focusing on something beyond me. It's really something twisted, like from some aliens movie.

Then I can hear it. It's the sound of poo passing. I'm not even going to describe it.

"Papi, do you hear that?"

"Yes." I'm so afraid.

"That's caca."

As we're leaving the bathroom, all I can think is, "Where is your mother?!!"