I see London, I see France...

I know, I know… don’t control them… guide them. Let children express themselves… Whatever… My son is NOT going to walk around with his ass hanging out of his pants.

I never thought myself qualified to criticize anyone’s fashion sense. Any rights I may have had to do that were revoked in the 80’s. Right at the moment that I sat in the barber’s chair and said “short on the top and sides, leave the length in the back.”

But this showing the underwear thing (it's called “sagging”) is about as much of a fashion statement as a guy wearing a t-shirt that says “Fuck Mr. Rogers.” (yes, that t-shirt is out there). Well you know what? Fuck you, t-shirt guy at Cracker Barrel. I loved Mr. Rogers!

Maybe I’m just having my first “get off my lawn,” moment, but this sagging thing is just plain offensive. When did the belt line become negotiable?

It used to make me a little mad. But now that I’m in my 40’s, “the old age of youth,” (which, as it implies, comes with a boat load of wisdom) I actually have a bit of compassion for these young men. I mean they just walk up and down the street, in and out of convenience stores, holding their pants up in the front while their ass tries to escape through the back. They appear to feel no sense of purpose. Or self respect. They’re just there. Looking like idiots.

Note: My level of compassion drops markedly as these “young men” approach their 30’s.

So my mission is clear. While I’ve still got some “influential father time” left with my kids, I plan on doing a little brainwashing.

My tactics: First, never avoid it. Point it out. The active approach is always best.

Next, fill their young impressionable minds with “the truth.” Here, I take two paths.

Get the kids talking about it. Point these morons out and ask my kids, “Do you think I should start wearing my pants like that?” “What? Why not?” “What would you do if he was your waiter?” “Do you think anyone will ever take that boy seriously?” “What college do you think he went to?” (They understand that one to be rhetorical)

The second I’m not so proud of, but the stakes are high. It’s right out of the Fox News/ Shawn Hannity playbook. If you make fun of something, a child like mind will turn against it. The words “I see London, I see France…” sends kids into hysterics in line at the grocery store. And usually causes captain underpants, two customers ahead of us, to look around..., maybe a little bit embarrassed (Oh, sorry, did we offended you?).

I worry every day about how tough it’s going to be for my kids. There’s a lot of competition out there for the good jobs, the ones that will make them feel good about what they’re doing with their lives. That’s the context I choose to look at these underwear boys, each of them is one less for mine to compete with.