Support Structure

by Phil

This morning I looked at my wife and asked, "When was the last time we went on a date?"

A pause. The pause went on for too long before she relied, "I don't now. Maybe the last time your parents were here?"

The last time my parents visited from Michigan, it was Thanksgiving. November. My wife and I haven't had a proper date since November.

As I’ve written about previously, my wife and I don’t live on the same side of the Mississippi as the rest of our families. It’s not that bad; it’s only a good amount of planning, calendar coordination, and a four hour plane ride to see each other. In other words, we’re not just driving down the road, which means we don’t get to see each other nearly enough.

Before, my wife and I would travel home when we could, talk to our families on a regular basis and we’d all live our lives. When a child enters the picture, though, it makes the physical distance more than apparent. Living near family while raising a child has many positive benefits for all involved. I think it would be really cool for my son to have the close relationship with my parents that I had with my grandparents. We’d be at my mom’s parents house at least once a week when I was growing up. I have great memories of baking cookies with my grandma or hanging out in the garage with my grandpa as he cobbled together some crazy contraption out of the detritus from local junk yards.

Along with the desire for that relationship, though, there is a selfish dimension to my wishful thinking. For example, reread the conversation that started this post. I’d like to have the support structure around that only family can provide. I’d love to dump my kid off on my parents on short notice and then act offended if they can’t take him, as if they have their own lives that somehow don’t revolve around watching my son at the last minute. But seriously, families do provide a certain flexibility for each other if things happen. If something important came up, even if it wasn’t an emergency, it would be great to know that my or my wife’s family were accessible and willing to help.

There’s also the amazing service families provide by allowing parents to go out on dates. Or, be still my heart, actually take the kid for an entire evening for a sleepover.

Actually, this post would have been up really early in the day if I could have shirked my parenting duties onto my mother so I could write about how awesome it is to be a dad. Yes, I recognize the irony in that. And it is awesome being a dad. I absolutely love it. But it would also be nice to know that my family was close by to take the kid so I could run errands more quickly.

Don’t get me wrong. We have a wonderful set of friends here in Tucson that would be willing to help out in an emergency. I know I could call many of them if I needed to. Some have even offered to babysit for us. They are amazing people. But, at the same time, it’s not the same type of situation that it would be with family. I would never want to impose. I wouldn’t have a second worth of guilt about my mom having my kid all day so I could go do something super dorky (I don’t know what that would be but wouldn’t be nice to have the option?). I couldn’t do that to my friends. That most likely says more about me than it does my friends. I just don’t want to ask too much of them.

Perhaps it is time to take some friends up on their offer to babysit for an evening, though. I’d like to have a dinner out with my wife that doesn’t involve mesh bags filled with fruit*.

image source

I'm crazy for mesh-bag fruit! Watch out!

*Those mesh bags really are amazing and he loves them. Of course, it's a really good idea for him to wear a bib while using it. I have no idea what happened or why we didn't put one on him in the pictures above.